By Aysha B.

I felt like hell today, but I am Ok…
I felt empty, but I am Ok…
I cried the whole day, but I am Ok
I broke inside, but I am Ok…
I begged for tranquility for just a moment, but I am Ok…
I was on my bed all day looking at a white roof, but I am Ok…
I did not say a word today, but I am Ok…
I ate nothing, but I am Ok…
I had no feeling of hunger and thirst at all, but I am Ok…
I had no shower today, but I am Ok…
I lost my emotions, but I am Ok…
I lost my peace, but I am Ok…
I had nothing to think about, but I am Ok…
For a moment I thought oh it’s morning, but the clock is showing 00:00
Am I overthinking thinking it was 3 in the morning
the clock still showing 00:00?
Is the clock wrong or am I wrong?
Everyone says I am Ok…
But am I?
I might be OK!
But I don’t feel OK
Yesterday, when people were cracking jokes, I couldn’t laugh or smile
Oh, was it yesterday?
I don’t know
Yesterday was yesterday and horrifying but tomorrow is more
No, no I am OK…
Am I?
Wait, do I live with a roommate?
No, no I do not have any roommate…
Who is that old lady looking at me and is she confused too?
It’s me in the mirror
I’m looking like an old lady…

I am OK…
Yes, I might be OK….
Why can’t I remember anything?
I remember I was happy in August 2021
I was happy then suddenly they came
They came and brought everything
I had a family, yes, my family…
They… they died in front of me, he killed them
He used a large loud gun
He was wearing traditional clothes
the Perahan Tunban and Lungi head wear
He grabbed me after killing my family
He dragged me through our yard where we had pink, red, yellow flowers
I used to water them every morning,
our small yard like heaven so beautiful so fresh and green
The sky was blue, but why is it dark now?
He dragged me across the flowers killing them too
I saw my mother’s face one last time, eyes open, blood everywhere
I screamed but no one came to help
“Chop Sha Kafir” was all I heard
He brought me to a strange scary house and raped me over and over
It went on for months, with different men saying Chop Sha Kafir, beating me
I was silent while this went on until they threw me on the street,
beating me in front of people
Now I am in this quiet place, with rooms of other people sleeping
not moving at all,
Their faces destroyed, their skin so weird
Their eyes are able to tell me lots of things like my mother’s eyes.
But I am ok! I am fine